iDream 3

Last night I got the iPad 3 of my dreams. Literally.

My subconscious decided the new anticipated release from Apple is ready for beta testing, so I thought I'd share with you some of the exciting features in the upcoming tablet:

DUAL SCREENS

Two massively large screens fold from a hinged center to reveal a massive widescreen image that's crystal clear and physically impossible.

SLIGHTLY LARGER SIZE

Ok, really it was twice the size of a laptop, but for some reason in the dream I kept justifying it to everyone as being more a "replacement of your laptop, and not your old iPad."

PORTS and DRIVES

Yeah. Not only will there be component and HDMI inputs, but there's a CD/DVD/BD drive and floppy disk drive. I distinctly remember trying to convince everyone in the dream not to throw out "their disks from college."

TWO KEYBOARDS

I can't come up with a defense for my subconscious on this one. It was just pointless. But one of the keyboards was larger than the other if that means anything. Unlikely.

FLASH VIDEO

After being jazzed about all the above useless features, I somehow remembered it would be nice if the new iPad played nice with Flash. It did, and was possibly the one thing that made sense in the dream.

And now, here's and exclusive artist's rendering of thus said iPad 3. Spoiler alert!

note to apple...

When you first visit the Apple homepage today, you'll be treated their newest video featuring the top mac minds touting iPad as the second coming of Jesus. Frankly, these guys really freak me out with their wide-eyed (literally sometimes) optimism and wet-your-pants over-promise of a brave new world. Wouldn't now be a better time for swimsuit models holding the devise, making suggestive hand gestures over the sleek glass screen? Just saying.

In no particular order, creepy guys appearing in the video are...

random thoughts on the iPad...

• My backordered Barnes & Noble NOOK, which was an awesome Christmas present from Craig, is outdated before it even arrived (I still want my NOOK though).

• The aesthetics of the iBook books are great, but being able to "choose" the font is a big slap in the face to book editors and authors that establish a font setting for a reason.

• I don't see myself playing games on something this large. I feel funny enough using the iPod touch for games.

• At 1.5 pounds, they may want to have considered adding a wrist strap. People are going to be dropping this thing out of their hands left and right.

• iPad is a terribly bland name and it's time to stop adding "i" to everything.

• Midgets and little people have had these iPads for months now. It was called the iPhone.

• They better offer that free AT&T wifi to current users of the iPod Touch, which doesn't pick up a signal 9 times out of 10.

iPhony...

With the amazing, revolutionary, extra-damn special iPhone from Apple not being available until June (suck), here's how to win friends and influence people. Next time you're on the subway, try this...

TODD'S STEP BY STEP iPHONY PLAN
1) Hold current iPod up to ear and "have a conversation."

2) Catch the envy of onlookers.

3) Now state, "Yeah, Jobs sent me one. Yeah, it's awesome."

4) Press a button to make the screen light up.

5) Exclaim, "Could you hold on a second, I have a movie coming in."

6) Pretend to download movie.

7) Make kissy faces at onlookers.