Shit the Total Recall Remake Better Have In It...

JOHNNY CAB

BITCH FIGHTS

KUATO

BUGGY EYES

TRACKING DEVICE IN NOSTRIL CAVITY 

TO BE PLACED IN CANDY BAR

AND SNATCHED UP BY RAT

THREE-BREASTED WOMAN

Expanding on THE EXPENDABLES 2...

There were five things missing from the new poster for The Expendables 2.  

I've fixed that...

what's wrong with Inception...

I have this theory after sitting through the big budget mess Inception that all movie audiences really want these days is another Matrix. Not another Matrix sequel mind you (two bad follow-ups to that film were enough), but a Matrix-like experience. I was with Warner Bros when we released that film and believe me, there wasn't really a ton of faith that it would be a hit. The lack of advertising and what qualifies as hype these days elevated that Spring release to the history books. The film was fresh, visually breathtaking and most importantly it was FUN.

Inception feels like a great idea and it certainly has the visual panache of a neo-Matrix, but it's hardly a redefining action film, nor does it go to great lengths to tickle our brain. Nothing in the movie informs us of a new way to look at dreams and dreaming. It sets up its own "logic" like a labyrinth and fails to provide a way out of it. Instead of logically paying off with some sort of resolving reason, the story completely crumbles before your eyes (and in slow motion, no less). Worse yet, Inception is a huge studio summer blockbuster that's high concept and resorts to some pretty tacky cliches (the "government" developed the technology for the military; the entire movie might be a "dream"). Explanations for every "motivation" are thrown at the audience at a break-neck speed, but then slow-motion camera eye-candy dangles itself like a sorbet to cleanse your intellectual palate. What would the film be without stuff exploding or guns being fired by James Bond bad-guy rejects? Well, it probably wouldn't be green-lit, and it certainly wouldn't be successful.

Do yourself a favor, and rent the far more impressive mind-bender The Fall, which successfully balances plenty of eye-candy action with a heartfelt story. Too bad nobody went to see it...

summer lovin'

With the exception of Splice, this summer's box office is pretty dismal. Even though Iron Man 2 and Shrek 4 were passable and entertaining, originality and a true reward on the big screen is seriously lacking.

That said, here's what I'm looking forward to at the movies this summer:

• Forget Brolin, John Malkovich will be the true star of Jonah Hex

• Predators may just return the scare factor so incredibly striped from the AVP flicks.

• The Sorcerer's Apprentice should be guilty pleasure nonsense.

• Inception will make no sense, but nevertheless mind-blowing.

• Piranha 3D has freakin' piranhas, Christopher Lloyd, Elizabeth Shue and Richard Dreyfuss. In 3D!!!!!

• Resident Evil Afterlife 3D has freakin' zombies. In 3D!!!!!

• Legend of The Guardians : The Owls of Ga Hoole is Happy Feet with owls. Who doesn't like owls? Get it - who?