no turkish delight this time...

Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian claimed the top spot at the box-office this past weekend faster than you can sing "Onward, Christian Soldiers," but regardless of the fierce competition in the form of Indiana Jones this coming weekend, I guarantee word of mouth kills this rather dark follow up.

The first cinematic trip to Narnia was a magical treat that made me feel like a kid again. This new Narnia left me completely bummed to be an adult.

For the Narnian impaired I offer a brief synopsis to save you the $11.

Deeply saddened by their regret to leave Narnia in the first place, the Pevensie kids are sucked back to the land of heavy religious overtones only to find it's 1300 years later and all the Narnians have been exiled to the ass-end of town.

The new rulers of Middle Earth, er, Narnia are blatantly Spanish looking jerks who attempt the assassination of an over-privileged Prince. After this Prince Caspian discovers the "bedtime stories" of the original inhabitants of Narnia are actually true, he joins forces with the kids, a talking badger, a grumpy midget and an adorable mouse with that bad American accent Eddie Izzard does on The RIches.

There's a battle and a lot of people, horses, horse-people, people-horses and talking woodland creatures are killed in a PG/rated E for Everyone fashion.

Everyone laments, Peter pouts and Lucy goes searching for the resurrection of Lord Savior Aslan the Lion.

Meanwhile Prince Caspian is tempted by the Satanic verses of the White Witch, once again Tilda Swinton outacting everyone in the film. Someone sticks a sword in her ice and she shatters.

Another battle turns into a war. Aslan finally shows up and kills all the bad guys. And the Pevensie kids must return to war-torn London presumably on the eve of the city's "Longest Night."

The credits roll over this amazingly somber Regina Spektor tune guaranteed to send every viewer into a funk of depression for the rest of the weekend....

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