note to apple...

When you first visit the Apple homepage today, you'll be treated their newest video featuring the top mac minds touting iPad as the second coming of Jesus. Frankly, these guys really freak me out with their wide-eyed (literally sometimes) optimism and wet-your-pants over-promise of a brave new world. Wouldn't now be a better time for swimsuit models holding the devise, making suggestive hand gestures over the sleek glass screen? Just saying.

In no particular order, creepy guys appearing in the video are...



random thoughts on the iPad...



• My backordered Barnes & Noble NOOK, which was an awesome Christmas present from Craig, is outdated before it even arrived (I still want my NOOK though).

• The aesthetics of the iBook books are great, but being able to "choose" the font is a big slap in the face to book editors and authors that establish a font setting for a reason.

• I don't see myself playing games on something this large. I feel funny enough using the iPod touch for games.

• At 1.5 pounds, they may want to have considered adding a wrist strap. People are going to be dropping this thing out of their hands left and right.

• iPad is a terribly bland name and it's time to stop adding "i" to everything.

• Midgets and little people have had these iPads for months now. It was called the iPhone.

• They better offer that free AT&T wifi to current users of the iPod Touch, which doesn't pick up a signal 9 times out of 10.

cats rule...

niche marketing...

Is it me, or does this marketing effort from Touchstone Pictures seem a little far out?

Targeting fans of Napoleon Dynamite, they've taken out viral messages on Facebook to point out the guy who played Pedro is in their When in Rome...



Nope, I still won't see it.

where are those
grateful dead bears
when you need them...

As a fifteen year resident of New York City, where nearly 75% of vehicles is yellow, expensive and deadly, I have to admit, I am a little out of the loop on the latest trends in car accessaries. I believe I last owned a car when Garfield was a suctioned doll, rather than an annoying CGI fail with the voice of Bill Murray.

So, I'm a bit thrown off by the family decals on cars I see in the suburbs, as pictured below...
















This is the dumbest thing I've seen on a car since I learned your kid was on the honor roll last month. I'd rather see a thousand more Jesus fish on bumpers than to be subjected to these stick-figure representations of family grandiloquence.

Then finally, last season, Dexter pointed out the complete and utter stupidity of these stickers by pointing out any given serial killer can use the icons to their benefit—especially when the a kid's name is placed under their avatar. Too bad that show had a limited audience. I think it would take an Oprah to point out the dangers of showcasing your family profile, not to mention name, on your vehicle.

In what's the most ridiculous related story of all, Beware of the Blog has obtained this exclusive look into what really set off Tiger Wood's wife...

Augustus Gloop, Taxman

Just in case you were wondering, Michael Bollner whole played Augustus Gloop in the 1971 Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory...

Now runs a tax agency in Germany, which you can contact here...

we're back...


BEWARE OF THE BABYLON brings you our first ever VIDEO podcast, actually filmed completely on an iPod Nano! In this riveting SPECIAL PRESENTATION, you'll discover:

• who names their dog Luca

• where you can buy a had that looks like Sully from Monsters, Inc

• how to piss of Pepe just before a delivery

• why we stick to audio podcasts

• when to wear your dominatrix ballet flats



More traditional audio podcasts are to come in 2010 (we promise), and in the meantime, you can subscribe to the podcast FOR FREE and download this and over 75 BEWARE OF THE BABYLON episodes through iTunes here.

beverly hills chihuahua 2:
dog in the ciy

Hundreds of thousands of chihuahuas have been flown to New York City today. Apparently, small dogs are SO last year, and they've been shipped here due to a shortage of small dogs in the big apple.

I just hope the chihuahuas aren't too shocked when they realize the average New York City apartment is smaller than the average Los Angeles woman's purse.

I'd love to take home one of these pups, and being from Los Angeles, the chihuahua should be used to fat cats. I'm just afraid my cats would eat the dog while I'm at work. That's just too much to try to explain to the ASPCA.

i'm feeling blu...


This being 2010, the year we make contact, I've taken a major leap into the 21st century and upgraded from a 1988 hand-me-down tube television to a High Def Panasonic flatscreen and a Blu-ray player!

You would think this film geek would have been on the Blu-ray bandwagon the second the first player came off the line, but the high cost was just waaaaay to much to self-justify. I can tell you after doing a lot of research that not only have the costs of players and monitors greatly decreased, but the selection and quality of product out there's pretty amazing.

The wishful thinker in me has always been an early adopter. Back in the 80s, I purchased CDs way in advance of owning a player. In the 90s, I owned a handful of Laserdiscs before landing a discontinued player at the tail end of that trend. So, it's no surprise to you when I say I had a couple Blu-ray discs purchased before caving into the player buy.

Haven't had a chance to watch them all, but I've started off the Blu-ray collection with what I consider to be some essentials...

Gremlins
Hellraiser
Pinocchio
The Nightmare Before Christmas
Poltergeist
2001: A Space Odyssey
The Godfather - The Coppola Restoration
Heathers


I'll be reporting back after my next chance to veg out in front of the new set-up!

these are SO 2009...

Here are my top words and phrases you're not allowed to say, nor write in 2010...

STIMULUS
Especially not allowed to use in the context of a package, plan or electronic sex toys.

DOORBUSTER
When did it become acceptable for sales to be called "doorbusters?" Wasn't that label coined to describe actual doors busting open before sales and people getting trampled to death by WalMart shoppers? Just sayin.'

"HAVE YOU SEEN JERSEY SHORE?"
Yes, we've all seen Jersey Shore and it needs to go away fast.

FROM THE STUDIO THAT BROUGHT YOU
Seriously? How little does a movie have going for it that the poster or trailer has to tout the studio?

INFOMERCIAL
They're commercials. I'm not learning anything from it I didn't already know the first 400 times I watched the infomercial.

HD
Isn't HD the new SD now? Even radio stations are stealing the initials to describe their broadcasts.

TWEET
I technically tweet, yes, but I call it "Twittering." It's my term for it and anyone that corrects me is a fucking idiot.

ALL-NATURAL SUGAR SUBSTITUTE
Nothing natural about it.

"ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA"
If you quote wikipedia as a source, you're an even bigger idiot than a "tweeter."